Goodbye old friend

Guin and Willow,

It's been three weeks since we decided it was time to say goodbye to Ringo.  In these last few weeks I've gotten a rare glimpse into a side of both of you that I have rarely seen.  You've been grieving.  And as always, you've been full of questions and a desire to understand how your world works.

Ringo has been around for your entire lives.  In fact, he'd been with me & Dad for 14 years.  He welcomed both of you home from the hospital when you were born and was immediately happy to have you as part of his pack.  He was 15 years old, and he woke up one morning with vertigo so bad that he couldn't walk.  We knew that day was coming, but it didn't make it any easier.  We gave him lots of love and ice cream, and took him to the vet that evening.

Dad and I wanted to give you the choice to be there when we put him to sleep, and while I know that isn't a decision every parent would make, we thought it was important for you to be included.  As much as we want to preserve your innocence and keep the world around you a happy care-free place, sadness and grief are very real things that you are going to deal with again, and we think it's important for you to know that it's ok to not always be happy.  You also saw me and Dad feeling very, very sad.  Kids don't often get to see grown ups being honest with big emotions and it's important to me that you know as you grow into an adult that those feelings are ok.  

It was harder than I expected to explain to you what was happening.  Willow, your honest questions were so hard to answer.  Why do we get to decide when Ringo dies?  Doesn't that mean we are killing him?  Isn't killing wrong?  You even commented on our drive to the vet that Ringo didn't know why he was in the car and that wasn't fair to him.  You knew he didn't understand.  Your empathy was grander than I've ever seen.
Guin, you had an incredible acceptance of your sadness.  You cried and cried and cried, and I'm so glad you felt comfortable doing it.  You sat with Ringo's head in your lap while he fell asleep for the last time.  You had this quiet understanding wisdom around what was happening, and you were able to sit with the discomfort of your sadness far better than I have ever been able to.

The last few weeks without our dog at home have been a huge, sad adjustment.  I miss my friend.  And it's refreshing to have your honesty - the moments where one of you will pick up a tuft of his hair still laying around and announce that you miss him.  Or accidentally call him to go outside when we get home at the end of the day.  You say all of the things that I'm thinking, and it's somehow healing to hear it in all of its raw honesty.  Your ability to be so real about your feelings gives me permission to do it too, and it's healing for all of us.

Thank you again for teaching me more than I teach you.

Love,
Mom

With a purple dress comes great responsibility

Guin,

You've been wearing your beloved purple dress less and less these days.  Every time you put it on it becomes harder to button as you grow.  You've taken to wearing a long sleeved shirt underneath it so the fabric doesn't rub your armpits since it's a little bit smaller every time you wear it.

Today you were helping Willow pick out her clothes and you came across your dress.  I watched as you held it, pausing, the wheels turning in your head.  You looked at your little sister, and then back at your dress.  She looked back at you, and without a word she knew what you were thinking.

"Willow, this is too small for me now.  You can wear it."  I could tell it was hard for you to say it, but I think the joy on your sisters face made it all worth it for you.  Once she had it on and gave it a test twirl, you pulled her aside and explained "you have to be responsible with the purple dress.  No crawling around on your knees or you'll tear it.  You have to hold it up when you pee."

I can't begin to tell you how proud of you I am for passing on something that has been so important to you.  I suppose we're doing something right when you are realizing that making someone you love happy is much more important than the value of a thing.  You're such an awesome kid.

Here's to many more purple dress days.

Love,
Mom

Elf hats and magic

Willow,

A few weeks ago you were given a plain red elf hat to decorate for your holiday program this weekend.

We wandered through Hobby Lobby to find decorations, and you very intentionally selected a rainbow feather garland, multi colored jingle bells, and zebra fabric.

I had to catch myself as I started telling you that your decorations weren't very Christmas-y.  True, you will probably be the only zebra rainbow elf on stage, but it doesn't matter one bit if you are proud of what you created.

It's amazing how much kiddos can teach us grown up folk.  It's so easy to get caught up in what is supposed to be and miss the magic of what is.

So shine on, my fabulous little elf :)

Love, Mom

Traditions - Putting up the tree

Guin & Willow,

Winter time is so full of traditions in our family - nothing overly spectacular or noteworthy to the fly on the wall watching us set up our holiday decorations, but little things that I'm so glad we get to share with you.

I've made a point over the last few years to keep things simple when we decorate for the holidays.  When I was a kid my favorite part of Christmas decorating was watching my parents put up a string of blue glass bells.  They were a wedding gift that my parents received, and I don't think they are even meant to be holiday decorations.  But of all the sparkly ornaments and buckets of decorations, the blue bells were always my favorite, and it took a little convincing before my mom would give them to me, but she finally let me take them when we got our first house.  It's officially Christmastime for me when these go up.

We also have the same fake Christmas tree that my family used when I was a kid.  It's been put up and taken apart more times than I can remember, and eventually it's going to lose all of its "needles" and look like a Charlie Brown tree, but I'll still probably use it because I love it.  When we would set up the tree as kids, my dad would have us lay under the tree and spin it to put the lights on instead of awkwardly walking around the tree in circles with a string of lights.  I have such good memories of laying under that tree with my brother and sister, spinning it around in circles.  We adopted that technique when we inherited the tree, and it was awesome to watch the two of you under the tree the same way I used to do.

Also, your choice of protective eye wear for the tree mechanics was pretty superb.

Another special thing I loved about decorating for Christmas as a kid was my stocking.  My Nana hand made my stocking when I was a baby.  It's missing some of the sequins and details after 30 Christmases, but it makes me smile to hang it up every year.  

When the two of you were born, my mom wanted to make special stockings for you too.  She cross stitched these stockings for you - every inch of the front of these stockings is hand stitched.

As much as I love the traditions and nostalgic things I get to pass on to you, I am really enjoying creating our own traditions too.  As we dug out the boxes and boxes of ornaments, Dad and I decided that we weren't going to unpack any of them this year.  The last few years our tree has been decorated with ornaments that wind up buried under your beautiful preschool artwork, so we decided this year we would leave our tree empty so we could add art to it over the next month.  

Today's contribution to the tree was a paper chain.  It was so much fun to sit together at the table and get glue everywhere.  We made a 37 foot paper chain to wrap around our tree, and I can't wait to see what other creations we can add.  I think this may be the start of a new tradition.  

Love,

Mom

Traditions - First Snow

Guin & Willow,

As we are moving into the cooler seasons I've been thinking about how many awesome traditions we have in our family that we get to share with you.  Some have been passed down and others have been new ones we've started our little family, so I wanted you to know where these came from as you grow with them.

Since the autumn season that I was pregnant with Guin, every year on the first snowfall I have gathered up a small bag of the season's first snow to add it to a bath.  This originally came from a pagan tradition to celebrate the changing of the seasons, and I loved its total impracticality and whimsy, so it stuck.

The first dusting of snow this year came in early October, so daddy went outside before the sun came along to melt it away and gathered enough snow off of our ripe pumpkin plants for our baths.

There are bad people in the world. But there are good people too.

My girls,

There comes a time when I have to accept that you will not always have a golden innocent view of the world.  You are still so little, but times like these make me realize that you will inevitably have to learn that there is suffering.  And to be honest, I am having a really, really hard time wrapping my head around it.

A week ago, a ten year old girl was taken during the short time that she was alone on her walk to school.  It happened in a neighborhood very close to ours.  The police and the community have turned the town upside down looking for this little girl, and everyone is holding their breath, waiting to hear any sort of information.

I know that every parent I see is holding their kids a little tighter.  All of us are thinking "what if that had been my child?"  My heart literally will not let me imagine what her parents are feeling.  For me, this situation is the absolute worst thing that could ever happen.  It is so overwhelming to know that no matter how good of a mom I am, no matter what I teach you or where we live, there are elements of your lives that I will not have control over.  There will be moments in your life where I can not protect you.  I am realizing now, more so than ever, how completely exposed, raw and vulnerable it is to be a parent.  Two pieces of my soul are existing in the world outside of my body, outside of what I can control.  And I am scared.

It is so hard to explain to you that there are some people in the world who would want to harm children.  You ask so many questions because it seems unfathomable to you that there are bad people out there.  Explaining to you that "bad people" don't wear funny costumes or have villainous laughs, and look just like good people... it's such a big concept for you to understand.  There are people in our world who do terrible, terrible things.  I am so glad your teachers are talking to you about it at school.  I feel bad that I didn't talk to you about it sooner.  I know it seems uncomfortable and redundant to hear "stranger safety" from all of the concerned adults in your life, but it just feels like one of the only things we can do to help control it from ever happening.

But in the darkness of all of this, I do not want you to lose faith in the good of the people around you.  I do not want to make you skeptical of every stranger you see.  In my 29 years I don't think I've ever met a person who would deliberately harm a child.  While bad things happen, there are so many incredible humans for you to know, love and experience in this world.  Even in the wake of this little girl's disappearance, hundreds of people in the community have come forward and spent the entire week searching tirelessly for a child that they never met.  People everywhere are offering up prayers and thoughts and would help restore this girl to her family in a heartbeat.  We are surrounded by good people who do good things for each other every single day, and that is the norm.  We have to focus just as much on celebrating the people who do selfless things for each other, who keep on going in the face of hardships, who inspire others, who are kind,  and who love.  My goal every day is to be an example of this so you will have these qualities too.  We can not let the darkness of one stomp out the light of so many others.

So forgive me my girls for being such a mess this week.  Forgive me for hugging you until you have to ask me to stop.  Forgive me for denying you the independence to walk to school as you get older, and for my hesitation to ever let you leave my side.  I will never regret keeping you close.

Love,
Mom

First day of Preschool

Willow,

These last few weeks have been so full of changes.  I think our entire family is just working on finding our feet again in one way or another.  Today you start your second year of preschool, and looking back at the photo of you from your first day last fall, I realize what a huge change you have made over the past year.

What a difference a year makes - you are probably a foot taller and have a lot more hair... but beyond that you have grown up from a baby into a strong willed brilliant little girl in what feels like overnight.  I can't wait to see what changes the next year brings for you.  Happy second year of preschool sunshine!

 The last countdown gummy bear

Love,
Mom