Little words

Dear Willow,

I'm having a bad day today.  I had bad dreams about people in our life being mean to me, so I woke up in a bad mood.  I've been swamped with too many things lately and I'm feeling like I can't stay on top of any of the grown up things I need to do.  Today I was making lunch for you and Guin, you two were fighting and screaming at each other... then you stopped in the kitchen and told me "you're a bad mom."

I know you're two years old.  I know what you meant when you said it did not hold the meaning it did for me.  But it was the final push for me today, and I cried.  You asked me why I was laughing, and when I explained to you that I was crying because you hurt my feelings the look in your eyes was one I've rarely seen.  You weren't in trouble, it wasn't the look you get when you get put in time out, it was an honest look of being sorry.  I think you realized then that I am just as fragile as you sometimes.  That you are capable of hurting my feelings and that I'm not unbreakable. 

As I sat on the floor and cried, you came and pinched my face in your tiny little hands and told me "I like you now mom."  and you said sorry.  An hour later you climbed up in my lap, hugged me with all you're worth and said "you're a good mommy." 
It's moments like this that I know I have a lot to learn from you.  Today I learned how much I value your opinion.  I learned that it's ok for me not to always be strong.  I learned that by showing you and telling you how you made me feel gives you permission to be honest with your emotions and yourself too.  And I learned that a big squishy Willow hug goes a long, long way.  I love you.

Mom

Bedtime

Dear Guin and Willow,

We just got done putting you both to bed.  I'm sure you're both probably too old for baby monitors, but I'll probably have them in your rooms until you're twelve.  I'm sitting here listening to you sing to yourselves and talk to your stuffed animals, and thinking how bedtime is one of my favorite times of the day. 

To be completely honest, there are days with you guys where I live for bedtime.  Keeping up with you both is so completely exhausting sometimes, especially on days like today where everything I say is something like "stop doing that" or "don't hit your sister" or "keep your tongue to yourself".  It's refreshing at least to have a moment to myself to gather my thoughts, and to get done all of the boring grown up stuff that I don't do during the day so I can try to give you guys my full attention.  I need my "me time," and there are very few days where I am not totally ready to put you guys to bed come 8:30.

We've definitely come a long way in the bedtime arena.  It's still crazy to me that we can have you both in bed in a matter of 20 minutes when it used to take hours to get you to sleep.  Dad and I consider it one of our highest personal accomplishments that we can get you to bed and asleep in a decent amount of time at night. 

But really, bedtime is my favorite time of day because I love singing lullabyes to you.  Guin, I love that you've decided I need to scratch your back while I sing to you.  Willow, I adore when you sing along with me.  The song I sing to you came from an album I fell in love with when Willow was a baby called "Blink".  It's all music about being a new mom.  The name of your lullabye is "Solomon's Song". 

Dark is the night, calm is the sea

soft blows the wind through the evening trees

tired are the eyes that have seen all you've seen

just let your mind start to dream

Puddles of rain dry overnight

the stars in the sky twinkle their eyes

the curls on your head, your fingers and toes

all need their rest for tomorrow. 

Guin, I love when you ask me why your fingers and toes need their rest for tomorrow.  I love the enthusiasm in your eyes when you ask what grand adventures you have to look forward to in the morning. 

I live for these moments each evening.  And I promise I will sing to you at bedtime until you are way too old for lullabyes. 

Love,

Mom