As your third birthday approaches, I realized how often I have shared details of your birth with so many, but I have yet to write it out for you. Your birth changed me, as has your presence in my life for these past three years, and I want you to know that the strength you taught me has proven me capable of anything, capable of being the perfect mother for you.
Daddy and I knew before Guin was ever born that we wanted to have two kids. Our siblings were so important to us growing up, and we wanted both of you to have each other. Since it took many months of trying to get pregnant with Guin, we decided if we wanted you guys to be two-ish years apart, we'd better start trying when Guin was about 15 months old. To our surprise, it didn't take nine months of trying with you. It took one. You've been a no nonsense do things your way type of person since conception. We discovered that my due date was the same day as my due date when I was pregnant with your sister. You guys would be exactly two years apart.
I loved being pregnant with you. I started feeling you move really early in my pregnancy, and I felt very connected to you from the beginning. I taught between 10 and 15 yoga classes a week while you were growing, and it helped me so much to connect with you and get to know my changing body. I was amazed at all of the things I was still capable of doing in yoga, even though I got to the size of Jupiter... and that's what prompted me to start teaching yoga to other pregnant women. Showing them that pregnancy isn't about what I couldn't do, but about shifting my intention and strengthening what I could. I was so lucky to have such inspiring teachers while you were growing, and Belly Bliss found me. That yoga studio became my home and opened my eyes to the joy of growing you.
As the idea of your birth became more real, something about going back to the same hospital where Guin was born just didn't sit right with me. The more I learned about what was possible in childbirth, the more I realized that I wanted something different this time around. I started looking at other options, and I found a midwife practice at Rose Hospital that our insurance would pay for, so your daddy and I bravely set out on our own, searching for a better birth for you. To tell you the truth, I was horribly disappointed with the midwives that I saw there. Something still didn't feel right. Then I learned about what a doula was.
My friend Lauren, who I met through Belly Bliss had introduced the idea of a doula to me - someone objective who would come to my birth and help coach me through, give your daddy some ideas of what to do to help me, and make sure nobody pressured me into anything that I didn't want. She was exactly what I needed to move into your birth confidently. I needed that safety net, someone who completely trusted that I could give birth to you without drugs. I also met our friend Amy, who was just beginning her doula training, and decided to have both of them there to help us through our journey.
As the final weeks of our pregnancy approached, I really had to turn inward. I nested and cleaned like crazy. I even vacuumed the dog hair off of all of the stuffed animals in the house. But I knew this would be the last time I grew a baby, and I remember getting out of the shower one morning and sitting down on the floor. I rubbed my belly and sobbed. I had to mourn the loss of this part of my life, the idea that soon I would not be pregnant any more, and that I had to be ready to be a mommy to both you and your sister. I told you I was ready. Scared, but ready.
The evening of December 23rd I had become convinced that you were never going to come out. You technically still had two weeks until your "due date", but I didn't expect to carry you longer than I carried Guin. I had been walking around dilated to 4 cm and 80% effaced for the last two weeks, but things were moving on your time, not mine. I told Luke and Liz that we would be attending Christmas Eve dinner the next day and that I'd be happy to help with anything if they needed. After we put Guin to bed that night, I rolled out my yoga mat and just moved. It probably didn't look much like yoga, but it felt good to just be on my hands and knees moving and breathing.
Then I got hit with a burst. More of inspiration than energy, but I had to create. Your poor daddy was so tolerant of me, he didn't even hesitate when I asked him to take the laundry room door off of the hinges. I laid it out on the bedroom floor and began to paint the seven chakras down the length of the door. I lost all sense of time, I have no idea what time it was when I finished and decided to go to sleep. What I know now is that I was getting my mind in the right place for labor - the part of a woman's brain that is used to create is the same part that she births from. That door is still in your bedroom today.
The unmistakable waves of labor woke me up at 4:30 on the morning of December 24th. There was no question that today was the day. I was filled with joy and excitement - the fear of labor was nonexistent. I slowly crawled out of bed and told daddy that I was getting in the shower. I told him to rest up, we're having a baby today. Of course he didn't go back to sleep. The waves came regularly, they started 5 minutes apart. About 6:30 I called Lauren and Amy to tell them I was in labor, and I called Grandma and Grandpa to come over and stay with Guin.
I laid on the couch for most of the morning, just resting. When waves would hit I would move into child's pose on the couch. It felt so natural to just lean forward and relax. I spent some time in the bath, and took a few walks around the neighborhood on that crisp Christmas Eve morning. The rhythm of waves kept coming, but they weren't really increasing at all, so Lauren suggested what daddy and I called "the pirate walk." We walked around the neighborhood sidewalks with one foot on the sidewalk and one foot in the gutter, creating a rocking motion to help encourage you to move down. We did this for hours, stopping when the waves got intense, and smiling at the neighbors who surely thought we were crazy. We talked and laughed, laboring together was so fun and intimate.
Around 2:00 Grandma and Grandpa said they were going to take Guin back to their house and leave us to labor. As soon as they left I felt free to be as loud as I wanted to, and within three contractions I knew it was time to go. We got into the car and headed down to the hospital. The only time during the whole experience that I would describe labor as painful was when I was buckled into the front seat of the car, unable to move or lean forward. Luckily daddy drives fast under pressure and I only had two contractions. I remember calling the midwives to tell them we were on our way, and nobody called back. I called the hospital to let them know we were coming, and they told me to call the midwives. I told them to f*ck off.
Daddy had to drop me off at the front door while he went to park the car. It seemed like ages, but we finally walked up to the labor and delivery floor together. The security guard offered me a wheelchair, and looked at me like a crazy person when I (not so politely) declined. I was more than a little frazzled getting into the hospital, and luckily they never took me to triage or all of the politeness I had within me would have been gone. All of that frustration melted away though when we walked into the room, the lights were already dim, and Lauren was sitting there waiting for us. I will never forget the kindness of her face and the grounding I felt just by having her there.
The nurse didn't object when I refused to change into the hospital gown. She had me lay down on the bed so she could monitor us. She checked my cervix, I was 8-9cm dilated. She got a reading on your heart rate, and I remember after the second contraction in bed I said "f*ck this" and took the monitors off so I could get up and move. (Mommy isn't shy about her language, especially when she's working hard.) Amy arrived, and she and Lauren suggested getting into the bathtub. I got in and it seemed like heaven. Being weightless was exactly what I needed, and I was able to relax there. The contractions were intense, but they never felt unmanageable or painful. I noticed my legs were pedaling back and forth, like I was riding a bicycle. Pedaling up over the final hill. Then I had to push.
The nurse told me that I had to get out of the water when I felt like pushing so everyone was very quick to get me up out of the tub. (Oh how I wished I could have just stayed in there!) I steadily walked the ten feet back over to the hospital bed as my doulas dried me off and your daddy held my hand. I immediately climbed up on the bed on my hands and knees - that position had been most comfortable since the night before, and it was where you were telling me to be. I couldn't help but push with the first contraction on the bed. I roared into the pillow like a lioness, I didn't care who heard me or how much of a fool I sounded like.
I remember Lauren paging the nurse and saying "she's pushing, we need someone here NOW." I was so turned inward that I didn't notice the frenzy around me. The midwife that was supposed to deliver you was at another birth, and they had grabbed a resident out of the hallway. Second contraction, you were on your way down and there was no stopping you. I talked to you out loud, I told you "come on baby, we can do this. we are strong." I remember Lauren saying "she's comfortable here" and the resident saying "ok, I can work with this." Most doctors would have asked me to turn over on my back, but at that moment it would have taken an army to move me from my spot. It was 4:20 pm, about an hour from the time we arrived at the hospital. Last push - and I felt every part of you come into the world. Daddy said it was interesting seeing your face come out first (since most of the time moms are on their backs and the baby is born face down).
We didn't find out if you were going to be a boy or girl, so I was thrilled when Daddy whispered to me "it's Willow." I had hoped for a sister for Guin. It was a little like an awkward acrobatic act to get turned over, but the doctor handed you to me and I fell in love. Daddy was looking over my shoulder at you. I was overwhelmed with so much love that I wept. You screamed enough to clear your lungs, but you didn't cry. You just looked at me. We did it. All on our own, you and me, we were a team and we were strong. I felt everything, the way nature had meant it to be, and I was so proud of myself. I still am. The strength you taught me that day made me feel invincible. I was healed.
There was no repair or stitching that had to happen after you were born. You nursed beautifully and my time with you was perfect. I handed you to your smiling daddy and walked myself to the bathroom to get cleaned up. I felt like I could have run a marathon. Your birth was ecstatic for me.
Oma and Opa came to see you, and Grandma and Grandpa brought Guin. Guin was so excited to meet you, and even though she was tired and overstimulated from the day, I will never forget the way she looked at you the first moment you met. She was so proud of her baby sister. She seemed to understand better than I could have ever expected a two year old person to - but we had our family, and life was good.
Because it was Christmas Eve, half of the staff of the hospital was gone and the cafeteria was closed. I was starving, so Oma and Opa left to find us some food. They brought back the most delicious gyros I had ever tasted. We spent that night and all of Christmas day falling in love with you, and late Christmas evening we were able to bring you home.
I'm amazed knowing you now how your birth really reflected your personality. You don't mess around, you get things done, and you are amazingly wise. Thank you for showing me how strong I could be. It was your pregnancy that inspired me to teach prenatal yoga, your birth that inspired me to be a doula, and you who inspired me to help other women find that same strength to birth their babies. I may have birthed you, but you continue to teach me. Thank you.
Love,
Mom
Two pushes before you were born
Meeting you - we did it.
Daddy loves you
Meeting sister
My doulas, Amy & Lauren
