The most important tattoo I'll ever have

My lovely girls -

Today I got a tattoo.  This was the twenty first time I've been tattooed, so it's really nothing new.  Twenty one times I've sat down and decided that something in my life was profound enough, memorable enough to want to permanently commemorate on my body to look back on.  My tattoos are not just a collection of art.  They are all a part of the path that has lead me to be who I am now.

Guin, after you were born I started getting big tattoos.  I knew, deep down, that a lot of the reason I wanted big ones was to distract from the stretched belly that I was left with after my pregnancy with you.  My belly had always been flat, toned, smooth, pretty.  As much as I wanted you, as much as I loved every moment of being pregnant, I was not prepared for the forever changes in my body.  Soon after I realized that the stretch marks and extra skin would not be leaving me, I got a tattoo of a pregnant woman, a goddess, mother Earth - the epitome of beauty in my mind.  That full, peaceful body of a woman creating her greatest works.

Willow, when I was pregnant with you my body changed even sooner.  You grew even bigger inside than your sister did.  I gained the same amount of weight, and gained an equal amount of additional stretch marks.  Again, every moment of my pregnancy was brilliant, I LOVED being pregnant with you, witnessing your coming into being.  And my body, like my life, was changed forever.

Now here I am, three years post partum and thirteen tattoos later.  And I've come to realize that the body I have now is the body I will have for the rest of my time.  To be honest, I have said to myself and other people that having babies destroyed my body.  I have cried about how my belly, once so flat and supple, now exists in all of its wrinkled, saggy glory.

I have been working for the past five years to accept the changes in my body, and I am finally realizing that all of the things in nature that I find most beautiful - the interesting curves and folds in the ground, the knots in the winding trees, the clouds as they stretch across the sky.... these are all so blatantly displayed across my body in the place where you both grew.  And I am realizing that the most significant change in my life left the most important marks on my body.  The marks that up until recently have been the hardest to accept.

No tattoo artist could create a mark so significant.  No imagery, not even the tattoos of your tiny little footprints that I have on my shoulders could represent the work we did together in those nine months. You both left such visible marks on my body.  Such beautiful, creative, dramatic marks, that they are a constant reminder of what an incredible creation you have turned my life into.  I have had to work to learn to love my body again.  And yet again my little ones, you have taught me lessons that I could have never learned on my own.

So today, I mark tattoo #21.  There will be more.  But none of them will ever be as important as the marks you've left on my belly, the place you once called home.  Or the marks you have left on my heart.  The place you will always call home.

Love,
Mom

P.S.  This documentary had a huge impact on me and the way that I'm transforming my view of my body.  I hope someday if you get to be mamas that you can find your way here on your path too.

http://youtu.be/kfOBGQpG9fA